Sometimes you get a deep feeling that challenges everything you've ever believed in and known to be true. It forces you to face your past and look for answers in the vastness of the Universe and deep within your heart.
Sometimes you get an idea, a deep yearning, a strong inner feeling to do something, and whatever you do, it won't go away.
Mine showed up a couple of months ago. I haven't been the same ever since. I can't sleep. I can't focus. I know for sure that it's not a feeling that I can ignore as I've done many times before. I've been having so many questions and something is telling me that this has all the answers.
I haven't experienced anything like this before. It's challenging me to go out of my comfort zone in every sense. And I'm very scared. I'm scared of hurting people I care about. I'm scared of burning bridges and not having anything to fall back on. I'm scared of the unknown. It's been very emotional, and physically and mentally draining.
I can't believe the amount of resistance and fear I have. Sometimes I wonder what would my life be like if I had different parents, if I was born under a different sign, if I was a boy instead of a girl, if I didn't give a f*ck about what people think, would it be easier? Would I be doing all the things that my heart really desires instead of dreaming about them?
All my life I've done things for other people. I've compromised. I've held back my truest desires and needs to make other people happy. It's a dangerous state of being because there is a great risk of becoming resentful. Ignore your true wishes and desires enough times and you'll suddenly be in a place where you can't recognize yourself in the mirror. Who's life am I living? Mine or someone else's? Sometimes you even question your own intuition because you can't really distinguish between what your heart desires and what other people tell you that you desire. Why does anyone think it's okay to tell someone what they should be feeling or thinking or doing? You shouldn't have to explain yourself about what you feel or what you are called to do.
I don't understand it when people say, "You're (fill in the blank). Don't ever change." Why wouldn't you want to change? I wouldn't want to stay the same. And quite frankly, it's not even an option - to change or not to change. It just happens naturally with being alive and living. That's the whole point. Evolution. And not only is it good, but it's normal. It's natural to go through life experiences, to meet and connect with different people, and come out of these interactions a different person. The changing and growing process is what makes life interesting. I hope I change. I'd hate to stay the same person I was 10 years ago. I'd hate to stay the same person I was one month ago.
I definitely feel changed. My thoughts and feelings about life are not the same as before. And where I come from, such views on life are considered wrong. So, I feel trapped, caged. All I want is to break free. I can keep thinking that if things were different, if I was different, my life would be different, but there is a reason why things are the way they are.
When your desires are in alignment with God's plan, things begin to happen...good things. People, circumstances, connections begin to pop up one after the other in perfect synchronicity to support you in the pursuit of happiness. I'm definitely one to look for a clear sign, a confirmation from the Universe that what I feel and what I want is in alignment with my purpose. I've always been this way. Even if I feel like it's the right decision, I still need to know that I will be supported by the Universe. I'm super patient. I will wait, even if I don't want to, because I also believe in right divine timing.
I don't believe in coincidences or chances. To me, everything happens for a reason. Everything is connected to everything. Everything affects everything. That's why I've been drawn to astrology lately. It's mysterious. It's the secret of the heavens. There are many types of astrology, but the one I've been reading about is called natal astrology, which is the study of the positions of the planets at a time of a person's birth. An astrologer draws a circular map of the sky at that precise moment, which is called your birth chart or horoscope. Natal astrology helps us know and understand ourselves. Your birth chart can reveal a lot about who you are, what you came on this earth to do, what you need and feel, how and who you love, the challenges you're going to face, and the talents and gifts you were born with.
Because I've been so confused and stressed out about everything that's going on inside me, I've been needing to find an explanation. So, I picked up a book called "Astrology: A Guide to Understanding Your Birth Chart" that teaches you how to read your birth chart. I have not been able to put it down! It explains everything in a simple language that anyone can understand. I've even been inspired to read my family and friend's birth charts! It's very interesting to see yourself from a different perspective. Reading my own birth chart, I was not surprised to find some things and at the same time I was. A lot became clear and at the same time, more questions came up.
It's a fascinating life. The balance between the yin and yang energies at every stage, how they compliment and contrast each other to bring out and refine qualities and skills we don't even know we have - it's just magical. Astrology is just a little window into the secrets of the Universe. I know that it doesn't hold all the answers, but it helps to know it's there.
My spiritual healer told me this today:
" All these feelings is your release...coming out of your cocoon so to speak. Shedding the old and emerging into the new. Always remember, fear is an illusion. It does not exist. The mind creates it therefore the mind can remove it. Have confidence in yourself and your abilities. Ask for what you want. Focus on the positive and believe me, in no time the opportunities will flow into your life."
I just wanted to share what's going on with me right now. It's more of a journal entry, but hopefully, it can inspire you and help you feel better, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation. Know that you are not alone. We are all going through periods of transformation and growth. Life happens and we are all trying to do our best. You must believe in yourself. I will never stop saying this, even in the hard moments - life is a miracle. It's so beautiful. Whatever you are going through, know that it is making you stronger. You have all that you need within to create the life you desire. No one said it will be easy. And you have to admit, it's not boring, either.