What Is Holding You Back?
Updated: Dec 28, 2019
Is there a story inside you that is begging to come out? You have no idea how many people want to hear it.
In my last blog post I talked a little bit about astrology, specifically natal astrology, and how I've been inspired to explore a small part of this mysterious celestial science in the hopes of finding some sort of solace and rationalization for the things I've been going through internally.
To me, connection is very important. If we're talking about romantic relationships, yes, physical attraction is part of it, but more than that, the basis of any invaluable relationship, I feel, is a deep soulful connection, being vulnerable together and respecting each other's life experience as the sacred and spiritual journey of growth that it is. It doesn't always mean you understand each other's actions and motives, but you can still create a safe space for each other to share, listen, and grow. It takes a certain level of maturity, I think, to be able to walk into such space with grace, compassion, and awareness.
I just think that whenever someone demonstrates vulnerability it's incredibly beautiful, moving, and courageous. The strength and valor it takes to step out of the ego self and embrace and own your power and freedom is really inspiring. The contradiction here is that I see vulnerability as courage when expressed openly by others, but as weakness when expressed by me. Surely, such a mindset will hold back anyone from attempting to connect with others on a more profound level. But why? Fear is part of it.
We're afraid that our truth isn't enough without the editing and impressing. And despite being afraid, we keep trying. We keep searching for that connection because ultimately that's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.
Now, the way I discuss vulnerability, you might be misled to think that I'm good at it or that I know what I'm talking about. That is false. For me, I know what it feels like, what it represents, I notice its importance and the influence it has over my life. I'm solely sharing my perspective. That is why I allow myself to write about it. If there is anything I've learned from being a health coach, it's that people really appreciate seeing you're human. They want to know what you're going through, your struggles and victories, your worries and joys because it helps them know that they are not the only ones.
Some days I'm good at going beyond the border of safety and monotony and vulnerability and liveliness, and other days it just feels like too big of a risk that I cannot afford to take. Or can I?
Even my sister who is the only person I've ever been completely vulnerable with, doesn't know everything. At the end of one of our deep sisterly chats, she told me that she loves how she can tell me anything, how she doesn't keep secrets from me. I told her that I have some secrets, some things that I would like to tell her some day, but not yet, and what she said back was, "I know. It's okay. You can tell me whenever you are ready."
I am well aware that the fear of being ridiculed, judged, and rejected is part of the reason why I try my best to avoid vulnerability, even though I crave it like a triple-layered chocolate cake. I know how important it is to reigniting my passion and purpose. As I've said in the beginning, connection is very important to me.
"Vulnerability is also the cradle of the emotions and experiences that we crave. It's the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path."
However, for me personally, vulnerability is much more sacred and mystical. It's not for everyone to witness. I've always been sensitive. I've always felt things really deeply.
This is almost impossible to explain, which is why I was drawn to astrology. It just feels so crazy to crave and want deep meaningful connections, to be able to provide that safe space for others to be vulnerable, but at the same time, to demonstrate vulnerability only half way, to save and store the rest of it as if it's the world's greatest treasure. It definitely has to do with a habit I've picked up over the years of saying and doing the "right" thing to make others happy.
But what if there was more to it?
I swear I'm not a crazy person who reads her horoscope every day to see what she should be eating or which coworker she should be avoiding, where she should be hanging out to meet her soulmate or when it's the best time to go on vacation. I don't base my decisions on the position of the stars and planets at the time. But I can't hide my great curiosity for the existential questions in life, the cosmos, the metaphysical, the Universe beyond what we see and know, and how it influences our lives and experience on Earth.
And for that, let's go back to astrology.
I've always felt the strong influence of earth energy in me, which completely makes sense as I am an earth sign - grounded, patient, down-to-earth. However, I was surprised to find out that the other predominant element in my birth chart was water - deep, mysterious, sensual, emotional. So, here I am looking at this map of my life and feeling such a relief. For the longest time I felt like something was wrong with me.
You know the phrase "still waters run deep," right? I have yet to meet a person who hasn't used it to describe me at some point or another. I literally feel like a chamber of secrets. But now I know why. As silly as it may sound, knowing that half of the planets in my chart are ruled by water signs makes me feel relaxed. I don't have to wonder why I'm being so mysterious when all I want is to be vulnerable. I know it's not an excuse to avoid facing my fears and working through past trauma and limiting beliefs, but it still feels nice to know myself a little bit more and how my brain and heart operate.
I'm not sure if any of this made sense, but I just wanted to put my thoughts on paper. I guess what I'm trying to say is that You Are Enough. Living, experiencing, learning is a very individual and personalized journey. I think that first you have to be vulnerable with yourself. What do you want? What do you need? What are you afraid of? Are your fears real? Be honest with yourself first. Clarity and purpose will follow. And be compassionate - you are doing the best you can. It's messy most of the time, but as long as you are willing to explore the lengths and widths of your own power and potential, it will all be worth it.
Getting to know your own reflection mirrored back at you through the people, places, and experiences in your life can be very humbling.
I have so much inner work to do. I'm barely even scratching the surface, but as long as I keep moving in a positive direction, it will be fine. Same goes for you. Tell your story at your own time, but do tell it. You have no idea how many people want to hear it.